At first glance you might have thought this post was about the economy. Wrong! It's about my life and how I have coped with
myself over the past 45 years.
Two years ago I found myself completely overwhelmed by my work. I was stressed to the point that I had little control over my own emotions... whether or not I was working. I was losing the ability to make decisions and therefore to get work done. I found myself experiencing a level of, well,
despair, I never thought I, as a Christian, would have to deal with.
I recall Marilla Cuthbert (
Anne of Green Gables) making the statement, "To despair is to turn your back on God". While the
Anne movies don't contain much in the way of the spiritual, I have to admit I took that quote to heart. So what did I do about my stress? Nothing. I went to work every day and I came home and had a breakdown every evening (I won't go into details on this, but if you've been there you know what I'm talking about). I guess I had convinced myself I just didn't have a problem. If I did, it would mean I wasn't putting my trust in God... wouldn't it?
This went on until finally my stress at work
eased enough for me to think more clearly. I realized I had to do something immediately before things became worse. The first person I contacted was my pastor. I discussed my problems and asked him for direction. I'll be completely honest. I didn't expect any answers from my pastor. Not that I don't think highly of him... I certainly do! It's just that he's a pastor, not a psychologist. We talked a bit and he gave me the name of a Christian counselor to call. I did visit with the counselor but I honestly didn't feel like he was the person I needed to see.
One day I had lunch with a good friend. I decided to open up to him a bit and tell him of my troubles. To my surprise, my friend could sympathize. He had been there... had experienced the stress I was experiencing. He referred me to a counselor, Doug, who was a human resources specialist and a career counselor. Now, I didn't know this man from Adam, but something was telling me I needed to see him. So I called him and set up a meeting.
Doug and I had a breakfast meeting. On our first visit I knew this was someone who genuinely cared for my well-being and wanted to help. What Doug wanted was to do a personality evaluation, something I've done many times before in one form or another. I was not impressed. However, this evaluation was much more in-depth than any I'd done before. Doug also wanted to bring Dana into the picture and have her take the evaluation as well.
Through the evaluation Dana and I learned a lot about ourselves. We learned that we are very different in the type of affirmations we desire. I then learned that I was the type of person who was continually absorbing a
massive amount of stimulus. If it was coming my way I was taking it in. This meant my mind was trying to process so much information it would eventually become overwhelmed. That's when I would "zone out". Doug's explanation of my evaluation results fit so perfectly with my life. Someone who was easily distracted, unable to function in a very loud or "busy" environment and often unable to make decisions. This meant I was
often unable to complete seemingly simple tasks. I was a
great starter but not so much a great finisher. I now knew why my mind was continually processing something, anything, everything that came its way.
I now think back to college and consider how difficult it was for me to study while in the dorm or while knowing I could be doing many other things. It's now clear to me why I chose the
many other things over studying... because they didn't require the level of
focus studying did. I know what you're thinking... "nobody wanted to study in college". Yes, but for me it was much worse. I could make up my mind to study, go to the library, sit and stare at a book for hours and have learned nothing. Why? Because every noise, every cough, sneeze, turn of a page, squeak of a door hinge... every sight, every scent... everything, distracted me from my main focus.
I took Doug's initial advice and began to eliminate distraction from my workplace. I tidied my desk. I disabled the notification beeps and pop-ups on my computer's email. These things did make
some difference. I was definitely able to maintain focus for longer periods of time. However that still wasn't enough. I still wasn't able to focus the way I
needed to in order to do my job adequately. Doug had shown me what was
possible and I didn't believe I was anywhere close to that.
I had two options at this point. Either find another, less stressful job or take that step I had been dreading for months... see a shrink.
Early in 2009 I began seeing a licensed counselor. After listening to me for only a few minutes he prescribed a medication for me. Now I am
not a fan of prescription medications! I just don't like the thought of making myself dependent on drugs. However, I began taking the prescription. I just finally decided it was worth a try. I found out very quickly that it worked... and worked wonderfully! For the first time I was able to really focus intently on what I needed to do. My stress level dropped almost completely away and my productivity increase dramatically. Now, when I awoke in the mornings, I felt eager to go to work. This was a far cry from the dread with which I had been getting up mornings.
Now to the present (well, almost). A few weeks ago I began having some really intense skin allergies. The only catalyst Dana and I could find was that the medication I was taking had changed in appearance (while the pharmacist assured me it was still the same medication). My counselor's office had me come off the prescription immediately and for an entire week. It was at this point I began to fully realize just how much better my condition had gotten. When the medication was completely out of my system I found I was extremely sensitive to noises. My stress level had gone up dramatically, and for no real reason. Other employees talking in the office became very distracting and stressful to me. I would call down the girls if the got very loud. I began to have trouble sleeping again as my mind didn't want to go to sleep but wanted to relive every event of the past day.
It appears the medication was helping to
buffer all the many stimuli that were streaming in... allowing me to focus on the tasks at hand. I found I was
completely overwhelmed at this sudden new exposure to the torrent of stimuli I had lived with for so many years. You might compare it to drinking from a fire hose... more than I can handle.
I was finally able to get back on the medication and things have since returned to normal (or the new normal). Looking back I have to say it was a blessing to have this little hiccup occur. If I had not come off the medication the way I did I might never have been able to experience so freshly the indescribable attack on my senses I experienced.
I now completely understood the world in which I had lived. Additionally I felt a great deal of regret. What if I had been able to overcome this as a child or as a teenager? How might my life have been different? Where would I be today? This regret didn't last for long. Looking at my beautiful wife and children, I have to believe I'm exactly where God wanted me!
From a Christian perspective this revelation has shown me a few things. First of all... it
is okay to go to a doctor. Just because we're Christians doesn't mean we are always going to be perfectly healthy and well adjusted.
Second, It has also given me a new perspective with which to organize and plan my life. As a result of the stimuli, I had over the years become more and more distanced from social life. I found myself content to sit at home, watch a movie... whatever involves encountering the least amount of stimulus. I see that beginning to change now. I'm able to make more decisions, able to sift through the noise and focus on what I need to do. I'm able to get off the couch and go read my bible or grab a paint brush and do something constructive.
That's not all. I now look at our 3-yr-old Lacey in a different light. I've used the term "over-sensitive" often in describing Lacey. Now I see that is 100% accurate. Lacey is often overwhelmed by stimulus. She becomes over-stressed about things with which most people would not have the slightest problem. Accompanying this is a greatly heightened sense of empathy. She becomes very concerned when someone else is having trouble, is hurt or is sick. It upsets her greatly if she can't help.
What's amazing is how similar Lacey's personality is to my own when I was her age. I was a very excitable child who was easily stressed and overwhelmed by situations. I was often overly emotional over things that were really no big deal (I still am). Lacey is so different than her older sisters, who are both very laid back. Lacey is anything but laid back!
I sincerely believe God has used Lacey to help me in my effort to learn how to deal with myself. Raising Lacey is much like being able to take a step back from myself, watch and learn... or, at the least, understand. We understand Lacey very well. We know that she must take breaks and mentally rest from her overload of stimulus once in awhile. In the same way I find it helps for me to get away from the
real world more often... go workout, disappear for a day.
Isn't it amazing how God places situations in your path to help you understand what you're doing? He asks us to go on faith, not knowing what is to come. Then, on the path, he begins to give us insight into His plan. We begin to see how complex and wonderful God's plans are and we feel so privileged just be a part of them!
