Can You Keep a Secret?

Dana is keeping a written record of the gems that come out of Lacey's mouth.  When I say "gem" I really mean it.  Some amazing wisdom comes from her mouth.  The other day she told her mom,

"I'm really good at keeping secrets if they are mine, but if it's someone else's I can't handle it!"

After I stopped laughing and picked myself up off the floor I began to think about that which Lacey had so eloquently conveyed.  First of all I have to say I am beginning to realize that, from the smallest age, we are given a great deal of wisdom by God.  However, we're probably just so busy enjoying life as children that we just file it away until something happens (i.e. we do something stupid) and we realize we knew better.  We don't remember exactly how we know, we just know that we knew better.

So back to Lacey's quote for the day.  She's really good at keeping her own secrets, but when it comes to other people's secrets... not so much.  This got me to thinking.  How many times have I said the words... "Don't tell anyone but...".  More times than I want to consider.  Unfortunately, there are two things wrong with that statement.  First, if I didn't want anyone to know, why am I telling someone?  Second, I just placed a burden on someone that they shouldn't have to bear.

Let's look at the first problem... why am I telling someone?  Why do we reveal secrets to one another?  Why do we violate a person's trust and reveal a secret?   I'm no sociologist but I have two opinions.  First, we have some reason to believe that revealing the secret to someone will somehow increase our standing with that person.  Second, friendship requires commonality, so we feel having this secret in common is a way to strengthen our friendship with that person.  

I just mentioned violating a person's trust.  Why do we violate one person's trust in order to gain the acceptance of another?  There is something in us that, in the matter of a few seconds, weighs the costs of revealing one person's secret against the potential gain in our relationship with the other.  And, I have to believe, more often than not we decide it's worth the cost.  Before we know it we've violated someone's trust.  Maybe we justified it as no worse than a little white lie.  Nevertheless, the deed is done.

Now to the second problem.  We just saddled someone with a load they didn't ask for and probably didn't want in the first place but were too nice to stop us.  Let's face it, it's hard to keep a secret.  Especially when it's not about us and we're the only one who knows.  So we just dump it on someone else and, maybe for a few minutes, we feel better.  If it gets out now it wasn't us!  What does Jesus say about this?  Well, he has a lot to say.  For instance, in Luke 17 He says,

"Things that cause people to sin are bound to come, but woe to that person through whom they come. It would be better for him to be thrown into the sea with a millstone tied around his neck than for him to cause one of these little ones to sin".

Jesus didn't mince words here... He doesn't have a good opinion of enablers.  If He didn't we shouldn't either.  We're told to stay away from people like this.  And while we're on the subject, what do we call people like this?  We call them gossips!!

So let's think about what we're doing when we gossip.  We're violating one person's trust to gain another's acceptance.  Here's my two cents worth.  If the second person is a Christian (a Christ-Like person) we will failed to gain their acceptance.  In fact they would do one of three things.

1. They would stop us before we could tell them the secret
2. They would chide us for being a gossip (as rightly they should)
3. They would be a stranger to us

I like option 1 above.  If someone says "Don't tell anyone, but" I should say "STOP" right then and tell them I don't want to hear it if it's meant to be a secret.  Doing that one time will likely stop the gossip from that point forward.

The final state of a gossip is this.  They don't have the trust of the first person and the don't have the acceptance of the second. The fact is that neither person can trust the gossip.  So it's really just not worth it to be a gossip, is it?

In the Duggars' book 20 and Counting (page 169) they explain how they handle this with their children.  If anyone tells them a "secret" they are to come directly to their parents and tell them.  What this does is keep the burden off the children.  It's a burden they should not have to bear!

Looking in the mirror, I see I fail in this area miserably and often.  Looking at my daughters, I see I must do better.  First of all, I am an example to them.  Second, to think I could possibly be enabling my children (or anyone else) to sin by placing this burden on them ought to be more than motivation to put gossip aside.  It should also be motivation to call others' attention to their own gossip.  

Lacey is right... we "just can't handle it"... and we really shouldn't have to!

Matthew 5:7 "But let your speech be, Yea, yea; Nay, nay: and whatsoever is more than these is of the evil one."